[b]WARNING: Some words are not suitable for kids.[/b] I just seen this on other websites, so credits to its original creator ^__^ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/0-25.jpg[/img] "A warrior, travelling towards SPARTA, war and chaos is near." [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/1-27.jpg[/img] This is madness! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/2-28.jpg[/img] Madness?! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/3-18.jpg[/img] This is SPARTA! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/4-20.jpg[/img] This is also SPARTA! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/5-17.jpg[/img] This is still SPARTA! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/6-22.jpg[/img] Anyway..all of them are SPARTA!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/7-15.jpg[/img] You're friggin CRAZY IDIOT!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/8-17.jpg[/img] WTF?!?! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/9-15.jpg[/img] This is SPARTA!! friggin emo.... [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/10-12.jpg[/img] Even the king needs to follow the god's order [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/11-11.jpg[/img] Please lead us...god of the sun [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/12-9.jpg[/img] You idiot!! Calling me out in the middle of the night!! Get the hell outta here~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/13-8.jpg[/img] So, the king departed with his strongest army P/s: stupid sun... [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/14-7.jpg[/img] They meet their alliances in the journey [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/15-8.jpg[/img] That's all you've brought?!? [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/16-8.jpg[/img] hmmp~~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/17-4.jpg[/img] You, who the hell are you? [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/18-4.jpg[/img] I am the hero of justice~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/19-4.jpg[/img] Who in the hell are you son? [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/20-2.jpg[/img] I am Harry potter!~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/21-2.jpg[/img] ANd you? [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/22-3.jpg[/img] I am the pride of supersaiyans!~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/23-3.jpg[/img] HA!! bunch of little characters... [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/24-2.jpg[/img] Brothers!! tell them what we are!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/25-2.jpg[/img] Andy Lau: "I only want to be a good man" [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/26-2.jpg[/img] That's my boys!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/27-2.jpg[/img] [i]Finally..they reached the evil tower...the war is about to start[/i] [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/28-2.jpg[/img] Show them!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/29-2.jpg[/img] What is SPARTA!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/30-1.jpg[/img] What the f*** does this got to do with me? [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/31-1.jpg[/img] *cinematic scene* [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/32-1.jpg[/img] *Still a cinematic scene* [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/33-2.jpg[/img] Surrender!!! SPARTANS!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/34-1.jpg[/img] Arrgh!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/35-1.jpg[/img] Aww..Aww [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/36-1.jpg[/img] Acyually*cough*..i..am your father [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/37-1.jpg[/img] No!!~~~~~~~~~~~~ [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/38-1.jpg[/img] I will revenge!! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/39-1.jpg[/img] This is SPARTA! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/40-1.jpg[/img] Finally...the spartan faces the KING OF EVIL [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/41-1.jpg[/img] I cant beleive it...it's you all along.. [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/42-1.jpg[/img] Spongebob Squarepants [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/43-1.jpg[/img] I Lose... [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/53.jpg[/img] My Era is finally here [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/45.jpg[/img] Hmmp..you're too stupid [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/46.jpg[/img] Arrghh!! My heart!? You!? How?! [img]http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/dh007037/47.jpg[/img] That's right!! This is SPARTA [b]Rubber on your stick[/b] Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up." [b]Fighting a Ghost[/b] An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost." [b]Pulled Over[/b] A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back" "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper [b]So Cultured[/b] A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women." [b]Smart Poodle[/b] A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" [b]Elderly Customer[/b] An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" [b]Oral Confession[/b] In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snicker bars and a Coke." [b]Blond Detective[/b] Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." [b]Blonde Patient[/b] A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." [b]Be Silent![/b] A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...” She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the cockpit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, “Be silent!” There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot. The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, ”OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....” [b]Dressed in Black[/b] Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her. They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked. "Why the black panties?" he asked. She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences." [b]Ugly Bride[/b] A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!” “You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds. “Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.” “I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!” [b]Wives[/b] Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.” “What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man. “Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?” “She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?” “Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!” [b]A Girl and Her Twinkie[/b] A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too." [b]Man of the House[/b] A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home. When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The undertaker,” she replied. [b]An Arm and a Leg[/b] Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" [b]Hunting[/b] Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find "No Trespassing" signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here." The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property." Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!" [b]Vampire Bats[/b] A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't" [b]Jesus and Moses[/b] A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squeaked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus." [b]The Talk[/b] A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!" Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for." [b]OB-Gyne[/b] A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. "Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities." "That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?" "You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies. "Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place." [b]Moose Hunting[/b] Tom & Mal went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mal shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." [b]Tough Surgery[/b] Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?” “I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim. “Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!” “Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?” “I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered. “Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!” [b]Bad Students[/b] A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!" [b]Old Lady In Cour[/b]t Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard [b]Jewish Wedding[/b] A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately." ''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!" [b]Firm Up[/b] One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother." [b]Older Women[/b] A man met an older woman at a bar one night. She wasn't bad for 57; they drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if he'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome? He said no. They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night. They went back to her place, she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?" [b]A Blonde's Year in Review[/b] January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer. March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years" April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out. May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet. June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms. August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open. September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it? October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!! December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone. [b]Enthusiasm[/b] One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to a stripper club. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, “Take it off!” The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.” The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.” The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back. Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back. The guy in front turns around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?” The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.” [b]Soldier on the Run[/b] A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!" [b]Skunky Smell[/b] A young couple were driving home one night. As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering. The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?" The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up." The lady then asked, "What about the smell?" The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!" [b]Aging Explorer[/b] A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I shit in my pants. The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!" [b]The Good and the Bad[/b] A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's." [b]What will you do?[/b] You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. --------------------------- The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." [b]Birthday Present[/b] For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!" [b]Soldier[/b] Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." [b]Wedding Night[/b] On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My god, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged." [b]Ten Dollars[/b] Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." [b]3 Roosters[/b] 1 normal, 1 retarded and 1 gay. Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!! Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!! Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!! [b]Seminarians[/b] Ten seminarians are about to be ordained as priests. As a last test; the seminarians would be lined up buck naked and with a small bell tied to their penis. A naked lady would then parade in front of each seminarian. If the bell rings then they are having impure thoughts and would be denied priesthood. The woman pranced around in front of each seminarian but no bell rung. The superiors were satisfied with this and were very happy. Suddenly; one of the bells came loose and clattered on the floor. The embarassed seminarian bent down to pick it up and suddenly all nine bells rang.... [b]Salesman[/b] A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." [b]Selfish Lawyer[/b] A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" [b]The Ballerina[/b] A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" [b]Long Marriage[/b] A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after." [b]Dear God[/b] There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office. [b]Poachers' Revenge[/b] There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . . After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!" [b]The Speed Ticket[/b] A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding. Officer: May I see your drivers license? Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle? Driver: Its not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK??? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whos car is this? Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too. [b]Eccentric Professor[/b] An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" [b]Rigged Contest[/b] Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again" The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week." [b]Double Dose[/b] A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied. "But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday." "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects." On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up." [b]Great memo from Management[/b] TO: All Employees RE: Swearing at work It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? 18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. [b]Pick One[/b] A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." [b]Devout Catholic[/b] Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!" [b]Guy with no arms[/b] Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." [b]Little Boy In A Whorehouse[/b] There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" [b]Screw Or Swim[/b] Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!." The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!." A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! ..... and.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!" [b]Punishments In Hell[/b] Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

Last edited by Kai_ (2008-04-11 02:42:03)