[b]Jowks/Text Jowks:[/b] [spoiler]Sino ang unang tao sa mundo? Sabi ng mga HUDYO, "kami",dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos! Sabi ng INSTSIK, "Hindi kayo,kami"! Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako? Hehehehe Anak: Tay,unzaon pagkiss sa gwapa ug pangit? Tatay: Gwapa gani,hagkan ang nawong unya kumuton ang totoy Sa pangit,hagkan ang totoy unya kumuton ang nawong.Hehehe __________________________________________________ _ 1 nyt lola wear see thru dres lolo ddnt react. 2nd nyt lola wear t-bak lolo stl deadma. 3r nyt lola ol naked.. lolo sed, "unsa mna imo gsuot, kagum-os ba! __________________________________________________ _ Disteny chooses the right person for you All you have to do is wait for him/her to come Tuo pud ka? Kung badjaw imo destiny musugot ka? Hala cge,hulata jd si destiny nimo __________________________________________________ _ 2 men drinking: Man 1: Pare baket hanggang ngyun wla ka pa rin syota? tignan mo ko nakakailan na... Man 2: *blushed* meron na..manhid k lng kse... __________________________________________________ _ Ito ay kwento ng isang kebigan na may uncle na pari. Ang pari ay na-assign sa isang bundok. isang araw, may eroplano na bumagsak sa bundok. At ang tanging nabuhay lamang ay isang piloto at isang stewardess. Pumunta sila sa bahay ng pari at eto na ang nangyari... Piloto: Father, bumagsak po kasi ang sinasakyan naming eroplano. Kung pwede po sana ay dito muna kami magpalipas ng gabi Pari: O sige, kaya lang may problema. Ang higaan ko dito ay isang dobol deck lang. Kung gusto niyong dalawa, dun kayo sa taas at ako nman ang sa baba (So natulog na ang piloto at stewardess sa taas ng dobol deck at ang pari sa baba naman) Alas dose ng hatinggabi ay nagising ang pari dahil yumuyugyog daw ang dobol deck. Akala ng pari ay lumilindol. ito ay nagtanong sa piloto... Pari: Iho! ano ba nangyayari dyan sa taas?! Piloto: Wag ka mag-alala Father, first flight lang ho ito! Mga bandang ala-una ng hatinggabi ay nagising muli ang pari dahil yumuyugyog na naman ang dobol deck kaya't nagtanong uli ito sa piloto... Pari: Iho! ano ba nangyayari dyan sa taas?! Piloto: Wag ka mag-alala Father, second flight lang ho ito! Ala-tres ng madaling araw, ang piloto naman ang nagising dahil yumuyugyog ang dobol deck. Kayat ito ay nagtanong sa pari... Piloto: Father!, ano ho ba nangyayari dyan sa baba? Pari: Wag ka mag-alala iho! solo flight lang ito! __________________________________________________ _ TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short CONDOM. PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT! __________________________________________________ _ REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya. CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro. REPORTER: bakit naman po? CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris. __________________________________________________ _ JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay? ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako. __________________________________________________ _ Dalawang unano galing motel. UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!" UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama. __________________________________________________ _ BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo? MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh. BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay? MARIA: yung misis niya. __________________________________________________ _ Quiapo Church: MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital. Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500. MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad __________________________________________________ _ MARIA: irereklamo ko po lalaking ito. Inagrabiyado ako! PULIS: anong ginawa niya? MARIA: hinipuan po ako. PULIS: tapos? MARIA: tapos po, ayaw niya hipuan ko siya. __________________________________________________ _ Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba Ano ang saging na maliit? Senorita Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat? It begins with T. Esep-esep. Sirit na? TURON __________________________________________________ _ Young lady to the new parish priest: LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari? PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako! __________________________________________________ _ Anong madalas sabihin ng babae after sex? I love you Mali Ang sarap. Mali Ang galing-galing mo. Mali Ang hapdi. Mali Eh ano? Nasaan ang panty ko? __________________________________________________ _ MISTER: wala akong tulog dahil naiisip ko P500K na utang ko kay pare. MISIS: madali yan! Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mong hindi ka makakabayad sa utang mo para siya naman ang hindi makatulog! __________________________________________________ _ Q: Do you know the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world? A: INTER COURSE. No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in! __________________________________________________ _ SPANISH TEACHER: class, use PUERA in sentence. PUPIL: mi maestros son bonhas (all the teachers are beautiful) SPANISH TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's PUERA? PUPIL: PUERA ka! __________________________________________________ _ JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad. JEEP DRIVER: saan galling? JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin. JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan? JEEP PASSENGER: sa iyo. __________________________________________________ _ " Asawa" 1st year masaya. After 5 years tanggalin ang A "sawa na". after 10 years tanggalin ang S"awa na lang". Sa susunod na taon tanggalin mong A "wa na!" __________________________________________________ _ Home version of who wants to be a millionaire: Husband: dear puede ka ba ngayon? Wife: di puede pagod ako! Husband: is that final? Wife: FINAL!!!! Husbandk, can i phone a friend?!? __________________________________________________ _ Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME! Pag British naman: PARDON ME! Pag Espanol: EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR! Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot __________________________________________________ _ Warning: Children playing outside the car can cause accident... and... Adults playing inside the car can cause CHILDREN!!!! __________________________________________________ _ Loveliness through the years 1950s-Iniirog kita. 1960s-Iniibig kita. 1970s-Minamahal kita. 1980s-I love you. 1990s-Tara sa kwarto. 2000s-Pwede na rito. __________________________________________________ _ MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako? MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis 22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart. __________________________________________________ _ DUCK DICTIONARY maliit na duck- "panduck" tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan" mataas na duck- "boonduck" nagulat na duck- "nasinduck" photogenic na duck- "kodak" malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il" madaldal na duck- "dakdak" pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck- "duck tape" manggagamot na duck- "ducktor" musikero na duck- "conducktor" __________________________________________________ _ Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence. Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful). Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's 'fuera'? Student: Fuera ka! __________________________________________________ _ PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American salary, British home, German car, Chinese food, and Pinoy wife! PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British wife, German food, American home and Pinoy salary! __________________________________________________ _ Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo! Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan! __________________________________________________ _ NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin? ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, "tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko." __________________________________________________ _ Letter to OFW dad: "Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi tobleron ang baon sa skul. ung nike suot na ni jr. next tym wag ka na padala NIVEA MILK. di nila type pait daw, ako tuloy ang umubos." __________________________________________________ _ LD call from US: HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan? WIFE: dept store na! H: ang tuba-an? W: KTV bar na! H: and mga trickad? W: taxi na! H: ang dalawa kong anak? W: LIMA na! __________________________________________________ _ sweethearts watchin' da sky... GUY: ano ang horoscope mo? GIRL: anong huruskup? GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER. GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS! __________________________________________________ _ TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog? PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she? TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog. PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba? __________________________________________________ _ DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu! MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal! __________________________________________________ _ SAYINGS TO LIVE BY: 1. birds of the same feathers, are the same birds 2. do not do unto others what you can't do 3. an apple a day is not an apple at night 4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone 5. if others can do it, don't help 6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine 7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy In the afternoon 8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay may naglalaba __________________________________________________ _ NO! NO! NO! A man with a 25 inch long weenie(DICK) goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me? The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!! __________________________________________________ _ 3 ***** nagsisiksikan sa maliit na kama TANGA1: pare d tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng 1, sa lapag na lang matulog. (bumaba ang 1) TANGA2: ayan pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito! __________________________________________________ _ Dear Dodong, Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nagtatae kasi sya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk... Nagmamahal, Nanay __________________________________________________ _ ANAK: Tay , penge ng pera may project kase na pinapagawa titser ko. Bibili ako ng cocomban. TATAY: Ano! ang tanda mo na cocomban pa rin tawag mo! ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama? TATAY: Bomb Paper __________________________________________________ _ FARMER: Lalake na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na.... Ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan anak? ANAK: "flowers" papa! Madaming madaming flowers!!! __________________________________________________ _ MISIS: hon, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. nakasako na, dalhin mo sa malayo MISTER: ok! MISIS: Bat ginabi ka? Nailigaw mo ba ung pusa? MISTER: Bwisit na pusa yan, kundi ko sya sinundan di ako nakauwi !! __________________________________________________ _ PEDRO: galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid, grabe ang linaw na ng pandinig ko.... JUAN: talaga?!!! Magkano bili mo? PEDRO: kahapon lang.... __________________________________________________ _ At a funeral... ERAP: tara Jinggoy umalis na tayo... JINGGOY: eh kadarating pa lang natin ah?!!! ERAP: naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo: "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED" __________________________________________________ _ GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo jan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee mo at kanina kapa silip ng silip jan?? ERAP: Hinahanap ko ung libreng asuka! May nakasulat kasi na "SUGAR FREE" __________________________________________________ _ JUAN: Pare ang bilis ko natapos buuin tong puzzle! PEDRO: talaga?! gano kabilis? JUAN: 5 months! PEDRO: ang tagal naman! JUAN: *****! anong matagal? nakalagay nga dito: "for 3 years & up"! __________________________________________________ _ Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok! Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita. (Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap...) Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight! __________________________________________________ _ Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao, 'yung babae. Waitress: Babaeng siopao??? Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin. Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito. Kulas: Lalaki?????? Waitress: May itlog po sa loob. __________________________________________________ _ MRS: Sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako? MR : Kung titignan kita sa buhok- 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod-16 lang; kung sa kutis- 22 lang. Bale ang total ay 56, sweetheart. __________________________________________________ _ Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence. Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful). Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's 'fuera'? Student: Fuera ka! __________________________________________________ _ Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A Pare: Approachable? Bobo: Mali Pare: Amiable Bobo: Malipa rin Pare: O sige, sirit na nga Bobo: Anest __________________________________________________ _ Bush: What are the pollutants in your country? Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants....we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik). __________________________________________________ _ Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka? P10 piso lang isang baso Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang nyan? Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka. __________________________________________________ _ Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na ang utak ko Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded. __________________________________________________ _ A naked girl rode on a taxi: "Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya "Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?" Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo" __________________________________________________ _ Wife shouting..... "Honey mag-impake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto" Husband: "Wow, anong dadalhin ko?" Wife: "Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na" __________________________________________________ _ Pare 1: 'Pare, magkaiba medyas mo, isang pula at isang azul' Pare 2: 'Ewan ko nga kung saan nabili ng misis ko ito. May isa pa nga akongpares na ganito rin and kulay sa bahay' __________________________________________________ _ Beauty contest..... Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today? Contestant: Drugs Emcee: Very good, why do you say that? Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh! __________________________________________________ _ Doc: Ano trabaho mo, hija? Girl: Substitute po Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute? Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute; at kung may sakit siya, ako po yung substitute... __________________________________________________ _ pinapaikot mo lang ako Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mlo na lang ako" -electric fan __________________________________________________ _ "hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos" -winnie d' pooh __________________________________________________ _ "Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo. pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo" -ipis __________________________________________________ _ "Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo." -hipon __________________________________________________ _ "Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!?" -gasolina __________________________________________________ _ "Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya." -plema __________________________________________________ _ "Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.." -utot __________________________________________________ _ "Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako." -Bola __________________________________________________ _ "you never know what you have till you lose it. and once you lose it, you can never get it back" -snatcher __________________________________________________ _ "Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!" -majinboo __________________________________________________ _ "Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? bakit palipat-lipat ka? -TV __________________________________________________ _ "hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c" -kili kili __________________________________________________ _ Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee.....BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!! -omelette __________________________________________________ _ pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! -libag __________________________________________________ _ Anung kasalanan ko sayo, iniwan m nalang akong duguan... -Napkin __________________________________________________ _ "wag mo na akong bilugin.." -kulangot __________________________________________________ _ Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo? -Lego __________________________________________________ _ Punyetang Buhay to! Itlog itlog! Araw2 na lang itlog! -Brief __________________________________________________ _ Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako gumalaw dito. Ako n nga yun ntapakan, sya pa un galit.. bakit ganun? -Tae __________________________________________________ _ Cge kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo! -deodorant __________________________________________________ _ "hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate" -regla __________________________________________________ _ Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamis... -pigsa __________________________________________________ _[/spoiler] [b]Quotes/Text Quotes:[/b] [spoiler]we may Love d wrong person ncry 4 d wrng reason but no matter how thngs go wrong one thng is sure, mistakes... help us find, d ryt prson 4 gud rison! _____________________________________________ wn i luv sum1, il ifght 4 wt i fil, but f d 1 i luv luvs sum1 else, i let go..cz im a soldier, a soldier must knw wn 2 fight & wn 2 surrender.. __________________________________________________ __ I cant make someone luv me nor i can force sum1 2 luv me 4ever ol i can do s 2 b sum1 hu cn b luvd.. and d rest s up 2 d person. 2 realize my worth. __________________________________________________ __ skt pala pag wala nah,skt pala pag meron na xiang iba,skt pla pag hnd n xa sau,pro lam mo kung ano pinkamasakit??"ung pindama nya saung mhal ka niya pro trip lng pala":c __________________________________________________ _______________ (pamatay hirit ^^) paglaki kuh gusto kuh maging...................sayu^^... __________________________________________________ _______________ mahirap ngumiti to show na di ka hurt,matuwa to pretend na ok,mahirap tumawa after mo umiyak,what's worst is mahal mo pa rin xia kht you've said gudbye nah.. __________________________________________________ _______________ maskit mkita ang isang tao n hniling mung mging sau pro masaya s iba,ngunit wala ng sasakit pah s isng tao na nasau nga "umiiyak naman dhil sa iba" __________________________________________________ _______________ wag mong savhin kung d mo kayang panindigan,wag kang magpaasa,kung mangiiwan ka lng dhil ang pusu kpg ngmahal n yan mhrap ng turuan ng salitang "limutan" __________________________________________________ _______________ panu kung pusu mo..dalwa ang tinitibok nito?sino ang pipiliin mo?ung malayo pero sav muh n mhal n mhal mo?o ung nsa tabi muh lng na ayaw mung mwala sau? __________________________________________________ _______________ d mdali lumimut..d mdali itakwal ang ndarma..d mdali magmhal ng iba..lam muh kung bkt?!kc pg mhal muh talga..kht nung gwin muh..maalala mu parin xa ^^ __________________________________________________ _______________ kpag nagmhal kah d m alm kung hanggang kelan ka masaya,kung kela kk msasaktan.kung kelan ka luluha,kya bgo dumating yung araw na yun..icpn m,d hbang panahon..mhal k ng mhal m.. __________________________________________________ _______________ yan ln muna mga bosing... medyo tintmas aku magtype eh..hehe.. nxt time... pramis.. me kasunud pa 2... __________________________________________________ f sum1 throws a stone on u, throw bck love. bt if sum1 throws love at u. think,think, well, dnt jst throw back love. bcoz love might hurt more dan a stone. __________________________________________________ 8s hard 2 let go of d diff. memoryz u've shared w/ sam1.. wen u rmmber tears, ul laf..funny isn't 8? bt wen u rmmber d lafs.. u'll cry! __________________________________________________ _ f sum1 wud ask me hu i wnt 2 be with.? i wud simply say.. "sum1 hu will nver leave me just bcoz of SOMEBODY else. __________________________________________________ _ I’ll reach for your hand in the cold of winter, I’ll reach for your hand in the heat of summer. But if my short life can’t reach the dawn of spring, I promise, in heaven, I’ll reach you with my wings. If you hide, I’ll seek for you. If you’re lost, I’ll search for you. If you leave, I’ll wait for you. If they try to take you away from me, I’ll fight for you. Cause I never want to lose someone I love. If someone would ask me what a beautiful life means, I would lean my head on your shoulder, hold you close to me and answer with a smile, “Like this.” There’s a love that only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can only be seen in your eyes and my life that only you can complete. When I say I love you, please believe it’s true. When I say forever, know I’ll never leave you. When I say goodbye, promise me you won’t cry. Cause the day I’ll be saying that would be the day I die. _____________________________________________ _ A boy luvs has gf so much.He askd her out bt d grl sed dt she's too bz. A wik l8r, he askd her agen bt stil, she refused. it hd be a month snce d grl last taklk 2 him. d guy mizd her so mch! 1 nyt, wyl walking. he saw his gf w/ another guy. His tears fell, & he went home. knw wt he did? He called her cryin say"hi baby, i miss u. dey sed ur on a trip, hope ur enjoying, have a safe way back hir. take care, i.luv u" dats luv, its not blind, it sees! bt it nver minds.. __________________________________________________ _ luving is always a learning process. with luv, we learn how 2 care & sacrifice. we learn 2 be unselfish & gve more dan wat we can. And wen evrything dosnt end well, we learn how it fils 2 fol & get hurt. but learning dosnt have 2 end der! after d fol, we strive 2 get back on our feet & move on, dis is wat we learn, dat lyf dosnt end wer hartaches begin! its true dat der is lyf in luv! but der can stil be lyf even aftr losing luv,,,[/spoiler] Creadit: [url=http://www.pinoyunderground.com]PinoyUnde[/url] Leave some comment if u Like ^^, +Rep. .