The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching!" Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." ==== A blonde goes into work and she's 1 hour late. "How come you're late?" asked her boss. "It was awful!" she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course!" "What did you do?" asked her boss. "Well, remembering what my instructor said, I went right into action. I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" == 10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. 9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know. 8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does? 7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding. 6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming! 5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory. 4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you? 3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks! 2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on? 1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another. == Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" ===