USE THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE... "CONCLUSION" ...You Cant Enter A Door CONCLUSION... Ehh... "OPINION" ...Surely You Can Enter A Door If OPINION...

a secretary was talking to her boss secretary:sir could you take something off in my boobs? boss: (drooling) yeah sure! what is it? secretary: your eyes!

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Last edited by filkripz (2008-04-20 01:12:04)

[b]From Kamandag:[/b] [spoiler] [quote]Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work ************ ********* ********* ********* Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money If Men - earn money = Donkeys In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend If, Women - spend = Donkeys In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* To Conclude: � Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! � Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! � Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys! � And the Donkeys lived happily ever after! --------------------- just found it somwhere while googling..[/quote] [quote]well, this has been a very old question but yet no right reason was given. you think you know why the chicken cross the road? reply with your best reason. any reason you can think of. i start with my reason. God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. [/quote] [quote]Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. [/quote] [/spoiler] [b]From death11[/b] [quote]A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"[/quote]

Last edited by '-'LoisFuLL'-' (2008-05-26 02:46:26)

[quote]There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My bos s, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." PRAYERS Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!" BRAIN Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it![/quote] thanks to the cradle

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching!" Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." ==== A blonde goes into work and she's 1 hour late. "How come you're late?" asked her boss. "It was awful!" she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course!" "What did you do?" asked her boss. "Well, remembering what my instructor said, I went right into action. I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" == 10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. 9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know. 8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does? 7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding. 6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming! 5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory. 4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you? 3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks! 2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on? 1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another. == Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" ===

I am so dumb I sat on TV & watched the couch! I am so dumb I took a spoon to the Super Bowl! I am so dumb that under "Education" on my job application, I put "Hooked on Phonics."! I am so dumb; I took a ruler to bed to see how long I slept! I am so dumb, I think socialism is partying! I am so dumb, I got hit by a cup and told the police that I got mugged! I am so stupid, that I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's! I am so stupid I said it was chilly outside, I ran outside with a spoon! I am so stupid that I sold my car for gas money! I am so stupid that I go hit by a parked car! I am so stupid I thought meow mix was a record for cats! I am so stupid I thought hamburger helper came with amateur person! I am so stupid I studied for blood test & failed! I am so stupid I asked myself "what's that letter after X" and I said Y" cause I wanna know"! I am so stupid I jumped out the window and went up! I am so stupid it takes me 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! I am so stupid, on my job application it says 'emergency contact', and I put '911'! I am so stupid, on an application it said, "Don't write", and I wrote, "Why?"! I am so stupid, when I read on my job application to not write below the dotted line, I put "O.K."! I am so stupid, if my I.Q. was any lower, I'd trip over it! I am so stupid; I think it's the ice cubes that keep the freezer cold! I am so stupid; I thought the board of education was a piece of wood! I am so stupid; I asked how to spell UPS! I am so stupid; I bought a video camera to record TV shows! I am so stupid; I put lipstick on my forehead, trying to makeup my mind! I am so stupid, I asked for a price check at the dollar store! I am so stupid; I told everyone that I was "illegitimate" because I couldn't read! I am so stupid I fell over and rocked myself asleep trying to get up again! I am so fat, when I wears a yellow raincoat, people run up yelling "Taxi!"! I am so fat, when I steps on a scale, it said "...to be continued"! I am so fat, when I got on a scale; it said "One at a time please"! I am so fat, when I travel, I�d gotta make two trips! I am so fat when I went to an all I can eat buffet; they had to install speed bumps! I am so fat when I went to the beach and Greenpeace tried to drag myself into the water! I am so fat; I went bungee jumping and broke the bridge! I am so fat when I back up I beeps! I am so fat when I went to the beach; everyone started screaming "Free Willy, Free Willy"!! I am so fat they had to baptize me at Sea World! I am so fat the highway patrol made me wear "Caution! Wide Turn"! I am so fat; I tried to drive around myself and ran out of gas! I am so fat I stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H D! I am so fat I have to buy two airline tickets! I am so fat I got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"! I am so fat I get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! I am so fat I fell in love... broke it! I am so fat if I got my shoes shined, I'd have to take his word for it! I am so fat my yearbook picture is an aerial! I am so fat at the zoo; the elephants started throwing me peanuts! I am so poor, I were kicking a can down the street. I ask what I was doing, and I said "Moving."! I am so poor; I can't even afford to pay attention! I am so poor my TV got 2 channels: on and off! I am so ugly the animals at the zoo feed me! I am so ugly when I walk in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming! I am so ugly they pay me to put my clothes back on in strip joints! I am so ugly I look out the window and got arrested for mooning! I am so ugly I have to trick or treat over the phone! I am so ugly people going as I�ve for Halloween! I am so ugly, when I walks down the street, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"! I am so big that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"! I am so old that when I was in school there was no history class! I am so old, I try to act my age... and then I died! [img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img][img]http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll36/FriendsterTweaker/0.gif[/img]

Last edited by Intelligence (2008-06-01 04:27:48)

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald�s restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company�s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever�s available. If I was in the position to be picky, I wouldn�t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that�s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I�m worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That�s what I�m applying. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they�re better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be �Do you have a car that runs?� HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN 5 YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I�m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I�d like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries

hey! let me share to you a story from: www.lovefatedestiny.com... ok and here it is! once,a girl named Betty had a crush on a boy named Angelo.on their school,they bumped each other and Betty blushed really hard.when Betty got home,she called her bestfriend Aileen on the phone and said: "hey Aileen! it's me Betty! guess what! i bumped my crush in the school this afternoon! and i reall went "OMG"! OMG Aileen you can't believe it! so Aileen what can you say about what happened?" no one answered.. "Aileen? hello?"Betty called.. A voice of a boy said"hello? Betty? who's Aileen?" "who are you?"asked Betty in a gentle voice. "*giggles*i'm Angelo! so,you have a crush on me?*giggles*"Angelo said "uh-oh!"Betty shouted,dropped the phone and blushed.. she was so embarrassed! she can't believe her crush was the one she was talking to! _______________________________________ so i hope you enjoyed it! and wait... according to: www.lovefatedestiny.com... , Angelo's tel. # is: 553-6423 and Aileen's # is: 553-6424 Betty was so excited to call Ailenn that she pressed 3 instead of 4.. :] haha. that's all! xoxo!

Should been Read : [quote]An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and..... [color=blue]Prof[/color]: So you believe in God? [color=red]Student[/color]: Absolutely, sir. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Is God good? [color=red]Student[/color]: Sure. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Is God all-powerful? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.) [color=blue]Prof[/color]: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Is Satan good? [color=red]Student[/color]: No. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Where does Satan come from? [color=red]Student[/color]: From...God... [color=blue]Prof[/color]: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: So who created evil? Student does not answer.) [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes, sir. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: So, who created them? Sudent has no answer.) [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God? [color=red]Student[/color]: No, sir. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Tell us if you have ever heard your God? [color=red]Student[/color]: No, sir. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter? [color=red]Student[/color]: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Yet you still believe in God? [color=red]Student[/color]: Yes. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? [color=red]Student[/color]: Nothing. I only have my faith. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has. [color=red]Student[/color]: Professor, is there such a thing as heat? [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Yes. [color=red]Student[/color]: And is there such a thing as cold? [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Yes. [color=red]Student[/color]: No sir. There isn't. The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.) [color=red]Student[/color]: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.) [color=red]Student[/color]: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness? [color=red]Student[/color]: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you? [color=blue]Prof[/color]: So what is the point you are making, young man? [color=red]Student[/color]: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. [color=blue]Prof[/color]: Flawed? Can you explain how? [color=red]Student[/color]: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? [color=blue]Prof[/color]: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. [color=red]Student[/color]: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.) [color=red]Student[/color]: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (Theclass is in uproar.) [color=red]Student[/color]: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain? (The class breaks out into laughter.) [color=red]Student[/color]: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.) [color=blue]Prof[/color]: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son. [color=red]Student[/color]: That is it sir... The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.[/quote]