Things My Mother Taught Me --Anything sound familiar? 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. --'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. --'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. --'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. --'Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. --'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. --'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My mother taught me IRONY. --'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. --'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. --'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. --'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. --'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. --'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. --I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My mother taught me about ENVY. --'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. --'Just wait until your father gets home.' 16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. --'You are going to get it when you get home!' 17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. --'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.' 18. My mother taught me ESP. --'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 19. My mother taught me HUMOR. --'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. --'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. --'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 22. My mother taught me WISDOM. --'When you get to be my age, you'll understand =========================================== Dear Wife - I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. ================================================= A boy goes over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and ######### for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. the boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Last edited by MaLDiTaNg_SaDe (2008-09-10 15:46:16)