[quote=alliana01]i got these from lots of different sites. sorry if some of them are a bit long plz enjoy! [b]============================================[/b] [b]1.[/b] a lady in a bar walks to the barman and puts her finger into his mouth. he lustly kisses and licks each finger. the lady says "tell your manager there's no toilet paper!" [b]==========================================[/b] [b]2.[/b] Two women talking in Heaven 1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie. 2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death. 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st Woman: So what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer first. We'd both still be alive [b]====================================================[/b] [b]3.[/b] The Two Dumb Students Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." James was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Alvin on the shoulder. James: "Pssst. Alvin. What's the answer to the last question?" Alvin laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to James. Alvin: "James, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." James: "Oh yeah,". "I remember now." He picked up his pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Alvin's shoulder again, he whispered, "Alvin, how do you spell farm?" Alvin: "You are really dumb, James. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O." [b]===============================================[/b] [b]4.[/b]A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke." The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket.. "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks." "The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .." "Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far. Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?" The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking…" [b]===================================================[/b] [b]5.[/b] There was a sinner who confessed to a priest.He said that his sin was that he killed persons who believed i God.Before he confessed he said "Do you believe in God?" and then the priest said that "Who the hell is he?!" [b]==================================================[/b] [b]6.[/b] TRIVIA (this one is not a joke i juz wanna share it ) Trivia: "one thousand" contains the letter "a" but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an "a." [b]===================================================[/b] [b]7.[/b] SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here. CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store. SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here. [b]===============================================[/b] [b]8.[/b]bin laden's son was studying in an american school. teacher asked him, "if I have 4 apples, how can I divide them among 5 children?" he answered, "kill one child!" [b]=================================================[/b] [b]9.[/b]TEACHER: how important is period? PEDRO: very important ma’am because when my sister said she missed her period, my dad cried, my mom fainted and our driver disappeared. [b]=================================================[/b] [b]10.[/b]if teacher is to taught why can't preacher praught if vegetarian eat only vegetables what about humanitarians if teeth is to tooth why can't phonebooth is to phonebeeth [b]==================================================[/b] that's it! i'll try to put some more tnx for reading [/quote]