i confess i got addicted to the song of fm static - tonight. its a pre-classic melancholy but i like it. i confess i was hurt so bad. its because of my first love, i texted her last night if we can make things better once again. and she said no, she's happy with her life, the life without me bothering her. i envy his new boy friend for the attention of my first love was so great than to me before we were together. i cried all night last night for she texted me such things that i should not wait for her for she is happy with her boy friend, that his perfect than to a failure like me. she compares me to her boyfriend, that her boy friend is a role model of the youth than me whose only a youth missionary. her boy friend is rich while me i got only my credit card. her boyfriend is way too perfect than me, and i cried for i wish i was perfect so she can love me too. then things rewinds itself. the days which i tease her that she is so uber fat and ugly, the days which i only play her heart. and now, after 2 years, she return. she's uber sexy and her parents called me that she suffered the bulimia thing, and i recalled that its because of me. i hate myself. now to my stupidity she changed a lot. she's not my first love anymore, she's not the nice one which i acquainted before. she's different. the eating disorder and the pills obviously change her. i hate myself. i want to commit suicide for no one else gonna worry about me, *cries* i am like a child who gets emotional at a time, i got rejected 4 times. imagine the pain, i got over a car accident but still i love her, still i am waiting for her. even it takes years for her to learn to love me, i will wait. patience is a virtue. now, i am happy that she is happy with her boy friend. her eating disorder is over, while me. i gonna spent my new year, alone once again. i confess that i will go bar hopping and have our drinking session this evening while having the countdown to new year. i confess that i want to go to their house this evening and greet her happy new year. i am such a failure >.<